The Tedious Schmooze Award 2017

800px-Baking_gloveThe judges have been announced for this year’s Tedious Schmooze Award and already one poet, Oven Glove, is being tipped to win the prestigious £8.50 cheque. This award aims to celebrate poetry that isn’t poetry until its author says it is and Mr Glove’s work breaks the established bounds. Food stains have been collected and preserved on Glove’s naked body (daringly pictured above) daily over the last year and the result constitutes a poem-in-progress. “A poem is never really finished,” says Glove. “A poem is simply overcooked or uncooked.”

Chair of judges, Ms B.B.C. Recipe (pronounced as in “ripe”), declared she was excited by the range of nominations. “It’s clear, right, that poetry ain’t about words no more. It’s about, like, things happening, lol.” She is joined by four others on the panel: fellow celebrity chef poets Nutella Lassie and Jimmy Ill-Ever, a “mid-level” poet (whose name I have forgotten) known to under 87 people in the UK, and Ovene Glove, Mr Glove’s twin sister, who told me, “Some people have suggested there is a conflict of interest between my position as judge and my familial connection but apart from nominating my twin brother for the award (as is my right as a member of the Poe-Bash Society!), I don’t imagine it will influence my final decision.” The unknown poet-judge said, “I am impressed by Mr Glove’s masterful line-breaks. Incidentally, I have a pamphlet all ready if anyone wants to publish it. Perhaps Glove Publications might finally notice my decades of toil.”

Reactions on social media have been swift. One angry poet who wants to remain anonymous in case his “career” is somehow derailed said, “I give up poetry. I will never write another poem unless 1000 people ‘like’ this status.” And another wrote, “I don’t care about these awards. I am never nominated, always ignored, ignored, ignored! And that doesn’t matter to me. Not at all. NOT AT ALL, OK???!!! I don’t mind being overlooked. Not if it means my talented friends are successful. My fifteenth collection has just been published by Blunt Edge Press and WILL NO DOUBT BE OVERLOOKED AGAIN!!! But good luck to everyone on Faber and Picador. I love all my friends there and this is a wonderful award.”

The late Tedious Schmooze was unavailable for comment, but several spokespersons from beyond the grave have remarked on their concerns that his reputation may be tainted if Mr Glove runs out as winner.

[photo by Lymantria, used under a Creative Commons License –